I pretty much have no control anymore.

I'm so sick of this, dying HAS to better than this bullshit life. I could explain, but in the end I'll still be called stubborn and emo, or whatever.

So how's this.

I HATE this and I hate myself more than that.

Dying.

Don't care.

I'm not stuffing my face just to be in a pain so I can leave and make all of YOU happy. I'm not happy living life like this I can't change this at all I'm fuckiin powerless. All I can do is sit back and let everyone decide for ME.

I have no fuckin freedom anymore.

"You're a stubborn bitch."

"You're a brat."

Yeah whatever, says who? People who can do what the fuck they want and not worry about pass out, or losing to much blood.

I can't be a 19 year old.

I can't have fun without constantly watching my back.

So don't sit here and tell me that I'm wrong for how the FUCK I feel.

A future?

Please, I don't even know if I can wake up tomorrow let alone dream of a happy family and marriage.

No one EVER attempts to see it my way, you ask sure but in every sentence I say you make sure to make me sound like a fool.

Well guess what, I will be alone ALL fuckin weekend. I can't leave the house I get sicker, I need to rest, and eat so I can feel better.

NEWS FLASH!

Food, doesn't make me feel better!

It make YOU feel better, I have to eat it.

Plain and fuckin simple.

My head hurts from cryin, and my body hurts just because I'm me. Oh but don't fuckin worry, please don't because I'm drugging the hell out my ass so I can't feel shit.

Not even this fuckin pain in my chest.

You're mad?

You've been mad sense yesterday?

Huh.

Interesting.

You told me you wouldn't leave if I ate, and guess where the FUCK you went.

You left.

So me eating was pointless.

I'm done.

I'm tired of this, I'm so sick of feeling this way.

But as long as I'm alive and eating, that's all YOU care about. Well at least I can make you guys happy, I'll eat.

I pry someone will have mercy on me and but me out my misery.

Here I go crying again.

Oh well, as long as I eat.

Who care?

......

April 1st, 2011.

I woke up this morning from dreaming I was dead. Hinote and Hikari were the only people I saw looking down at my casket. I remember seeing Hinote eye's darkened and full of nothing, Hikari cried and held my hand.

I felt as though I was in soul form watching them, and my family say goodbye to me for a final time.

I don't wanna die, without somethings.

I know if I die I want Hinote to have a peice of me with him always, even if he never dates or falls in love again. I want him to know, I'm always with him loving him even though my earthly body is gone.

Hikari-chan I want happy, before I fade away into eternal slumber... I want to know she's no longer lonely and is being loved just like she deserves to be and needs to be.

I don't want to die with nothing to leave behind for those I love.

A memory?

It's nothing but pain, remember something that once was only to realize it'll never be that way again. I'm so scared right now watching my every move so I don't do something that's going to end me up in the a body bag.

I know cigs aren't good for me but sometimes it's all I have to excape the pain. Hino-otto wants me to stop and I want to too for my heath but, some how along the way I pick one right back up hoping to catch a break.

It is a substute for weed but, it dosen't work as wonderful as weed does.

I've got so much I wanna say but like I said, opening up would be to bad right now... for my body and my emotions. No body wants to deal with someone having a break down and honestly I can't blame them.

I'm being emotional right now, I won't lie but I am trying to fix it with out crying to someone else about it.

I miss him, I do. I held Hinata lastnight just hoping he felt my love.... I'll leave him alone, I don't wanna ruin his day for the 3rd time.

.......

Time for so thinking time I guess.

Until next time.....

Ja.