To the Ex-Boyfriend.

COMMON METHOD: WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR EX AND THEN BURN IT.

You think that you're pain is so much more than mine? I couldn't tell you how many times I've acted a fool just for the sake of you. How many times I've givin up so much just for the sake of a fucking smile on your face. You're so upset that you cheated on Hikari with me, you've done the same with me for her so please spare our veiwers the bullshit. Loving you was a privilage to me, and I adored it for as long as I could before things I shrugged off couldn't be shrugged off anymore. I have broken down so many night confused and alone, and prying that things would work out. I have some things to say to you as well.

1) As much as you say you care, you're a selfish child that always wants his way. You cling to the fact that you did all you could for me but besides taking care of me in my worth heath states what have you done for me? I was the back bone of this relationship I did all I could to make you happy and when I failed you made sure to point out all flaws.

2) Realizing I'm a liar when it comes to you isn't a hard task but have you ever just sat down and asked yourself why dose she feel like she needs to lie to me? I doubt it because you dont' think that far. You aditude has always got int the way of everything good you'd ever had when you dod wrong yeah a sorry is there but the only reason you say sorry is because you feel obligated to, you're only sorry that you were wrong dear sayin.

3) You have no idea what the fuck you want. I have always told you I wanted carry your last name, have your kids and have a happy life with you for as long as the world would allow my ass to breath. I've never dropped anything for you? I'm suppose to protect your pride cause thats all you have. My pride was completly gone when I allowed you to love another, and I accepted it. My fuckin pride was gone when I started that 3 way fuckin relationship because I didn't want you to struggle with who to love. I dropped my pride spat on it and took a shit on it for you, for you. (doubt you believe that because that's just how you are)

I admit I lied, and looking back on it I'm glad I did it cause now I see things for what they are. I'm obviously not good enough for our price if sayins as much I've tried I'm just not. You love me, I say it in your eyes monday but your not willing to accept and change. You're stuck in your ways and you can't be wrong if you are its about very little. If you know me so fucking well you know what I want outta my life, you know what I need. I had to adapt to you, and know what to do and how to do it. Some days you didn't even wanna lay with me because you didn't wanna be horizontal you wanted to do to something knowing damn well we ain't have shit to you do.

If he breaks my heart its nothing compared to how you broke it, its still shattering everyday. For 2 hours I laid in his arms crying about you, telling him how much I cared about you. Btw he did play your game I didn't even tell him I had it I brought him batman and let him see the 360 the game is in the draw in my room with Hinata. It's not even fuckin open, I just couldn't bring myself to give you the game because that was suppose to be our 10 month anniversary gift from me.

There some honesty from me, I know its about fuckin time. I have no reason to hold back anymore. Monday night I was selfish, I need you god I need you to be close to me I missed everything about you the way smell, how you touch, kiss, and caress me, how good you make me feel when I'm in your arms. I need to be in your embrace, and yes I was suppose to leave him countless times but I didn't want to. You couldn't leave Hikari for me, you could cheat on her but you couldn't leave her... more than once.

He's good to me, he cares about how I feel and he listens... I don't feel the need to lie.

Loving you has been hell, and I loved you first you think you had it bad. Please. Do what you gotta do but remember when you realize this is all stupid don't come to me wanting to be in my life you could of been a very good friend we could of worked on that before all else but if you wanna go and do this huge as transformation of bad thinking its going to feel the void in you its not. You're just going to be a typical nigga. Even though I love him, my love for you is so much bigger, so much.

Now i have to get over you completely, and if he breaks my heart that's something I'll have to chuck up as a loss. My heart is already broken, so it breaking again won't hurt as bad...

Alexis D Byrd

05/24/1991 to 11/19/2011

Guess death is something we both know about...

The famous choice.

It hurts.

All I can really say.

No much else tell, no one cares how I feel. That I'm crying writting this because everything I've believed in in the last 8 months was untrue or pointless.

You won't even talk to me, it's always like this when you're up there and we argue. You don't care you have somethihng else to keep you busy. While I'm locked in my room feeling like I could die at any moment.

I really wish I would.

I'm hurt because two people didn't know how to be responsible adults.... It's not fair but then again good guys finish last. They get what they want, while I.... get to feel nothing. Absolutly nothing but pain.

You get the satifaction of helping out to two friends.

Our Savor.

It's not even after you so WRONG for doing this.... you get made because I get fed up with it and leave you, not even leave just wanted to leave this place in general. There is no way you can justify you being the one to go to Grand Rapids. Even then I should of been asked, not stated too.

It all dosen't matter now.

You choice.... what was more important to you.

My choice, is to wollow in my self pain, and hopefully waste away. Not like anyone can get into my room I barricaded it with my bed. Didn't eat yesterday, not eattin today. I don't even wanna watch True Blood.

Screw True Blood.

I'm going back to staring at my wall now. If anyone's readying this, (in which case I doubt it) don't care. If he dosen't you damn sure shouldn't.

My secrets

Quite Frankly you're just a bitch....

So today was a very, very angry day for me and well most of my anger automatically went to one precise individual. This weekend was nothing short of a test and, you failed it with flying colors. I'm grateful for my gifts after this because I was warned Thursday night that some bullshit was going to happen this weekend and sure enough it did of course. Now I thought I had at least two people in my life that would do there damnedest not to make shit harder for me than it already is, my ass was fooled like a motha fucka. I can't believe the shit that happened to day and the more I think about it the more I just wanna say fuck friends in general. I could go down the list of all the times I've givin up thing for your little ass to be happy and was MISERABLE for it but hey I guess I'm a totally a different person and just cares to fuckin much about shit. On my anniversary day the day would of been better if you hadn't been there but because you didn't wanna be home I said fuck it I'll take the L only to hear you smiled when we broke up.

Oh thanks alot, thanks a fuckin lot. I checked up on you every times something like that happened comforted you and went out my way to make you feel better, but no I can't get the same shit, I get to see you ass every time I hit a downfall with Hinote. I understand that you don't want me to go through what you did but at the end of the day you went through it you had your chance. As for you're little Rouge egnigma, I don't give a flying fuck as to how she feel and at this moment I don't give a fuck to how you feel. That shit was snake and stupid, don't understand why the argument happened, you're mouth cased it. YOUR MOUTH. You happy cause he single and not with me, either it be an oppertunity to be around him and now worry about my name being brought up or it just be closure that we didn't work out.

It's still some bullshit.

Even when I didn't want to share and make you happy I still did, when I wanted him for myself like you did a year ago, I still fuckin did it because it's something that made you happy and shit. He was my best friend, starting from the point of us breaking up and I fell in love with him, I loved him first. You got him, had him, kept him all of that but whether it be me or another girl it's going to happen.

I have every reason not to trust you anymore, even if I had of talked all the shit in the worth seniority over dick, you should of know to keep to yourself or even if you told him you had better told on yourself Ms. I remember clearly what you said but I dunno what I said at all. Please. PLE-ASE! That's another reason why I asked who told him, because if Midori told him I'd of just takin the L because I did say things to her, but when he wouldn't tell me I know who opened there mouth and started this bull.

As far as I'm concerned 9 years don't mean shit, because if it did my 9 years bestfriend wouldn't be happy that I feel like some stepped on my heart and shat on the pieces. Even when I wasn't around and you felt like you're world was crumbling and you didn't know why I was the one who told you it was Jasmine he was talking to, I told him to be with you instead of me because I want you to be happy...I...

Ya know wha, it worth it going down memory lane and telling you how much I've done cause you've done shit for me the difference is I appreciated it all.

It's fine I'll never have to worry about this again because around you I'll just be a zombie, a normal playful zombie, as far as your concerned. You get the barrier that I put up for people who've hurt me.

Lies, all lies as far as I'm concerned.

You don't want me to love him and try with everything that I am to make our love work? You mad that we got together 6 months ago?

To fuckin bad.

I should be mad that I left for you when I was with him in our 3 way, I accept each time we went back to you and you didn't care why he was back as long as he was. As much as you got away with even though he said he was done with you, you're feeling on our relationship doesn't count.

Especially after this.

I hate being a bitch, I do but this time just like the last time I was to you is justified. This is what people much like yourself have been doing to me over the years.

I hope you're happy...

Funny how that works.

I won't be around much longer once I get the job I'm leaving and I'm not looking back. I want new friends, I want a new surrounding and in all honestly I just want to forget everything and everybody. I won't say a thing to anyone or anybody once I'm able to I'm just going to pack up and leave. Change my number delete my FB and everything else.

Fuck all of this.

So what if I'm being selfish at this point as me if I care.

I've been the least selfish and I get the short end of the stick.

Screw that and all of you.

I pretty much have no control anymore.

I'm so sick of this, dying HAS to better than this bullshit life. I could explain, but in the end I'll still be called stubborn and emo, or whatever.

So how's this.

I HATE this and I hate myself more than that.

Dying.

Don't care.

I'm not stuffing my face just to be in a pain so I can leave and make all of YOU happy. I'm not happy living life like this I can't change this at all I'm fuckiin powerless. All I can do is sit back and let everyone decide for ME.

I have no fuckin freedom anymore.

"You're a stubborn bitch."

"You're a brat."

Yeah whatever, says who? People who can do what the fuck they want and not worry about pass out, or losing to much blood.

I can't be a 19 year old.

I can't have fun without constantly watching my back.

So don't sit here and tell me that I'm wrong for how the FUCK I feel.

A future?

Please, I don't even know if I can wake up tomorrow let alone dream of a happy family and marriage.

No one EVER attempts to see it my way, you ask sure but in every sentence I say you make sure to make me sound like a fool.

Well guess what, I will be alone ALL fuckin weekend. I can't leave the house I get sicker, I need to rest, and eat so I can feel better.

NEWS FLASH!

Food, doesn't make me feel better!

It make YOU feel better, I have to eat it.

Plain and fuckin simple.

My head hurts from cryin, and my body hurts just because I'm me. Oh but don't fuckin worry, please don't because I'm drugging the hell out my ass so I can't feel shit.

Not even this fuckin pain in my chest.

You're mad?

You've been mad sense yesterday?

Huh.

Interesting.

You told me you wouldn't leave if I ate, and guess where the FUCK you went.

You left.

So me eating was pointless.

I'm done.

I'm tired of this, I'm so sick of feeling this way.

But as long as I'm alive and eating, that's all YOU care about. Well at least I can make you guys happy, I'll eat.

I pry someone will have mercy on me and but me out my misery.

Here I go crying again.

Oh well, as long as I eat.

Who care?

......

April 1st, 2011.

I woke up this morning from dreaming I was dead. Hinote and Hikari were the only people I saw looking down at my casket. I remember seeing Hinote eye's darkened and full of nothing, Hikari cried and held my hand.

I felt as though I was in soul form watching them, and my family say goodbye to me for a final time.

I don't wanna die, without somethings.

I know if I die I want Hinote to have a peice of me with him always, even if he never dates or falls in love again. I want him to know, I'm always with him loving him even though my earthly body is gone.

Hikari-chan I want happy, before I fade away into eternal slumber... I want to know she's no longer lonely and is being loved just like she deserves to be and needs to be.

I don't want to die with nothing to leave behind for those I love.

A memory?

It's nothing but pain, remember something that once was only to realize it'll never be that way again. I'm so scared right now watching my every move so I don't do something that's going to end me up in the a body bag.

I know cigs aren't good for me but sometimes it's all I have to excape the pain. Hino-otto wants me to stop and I want to too for my heath but, some how along the way I pick one right back up hoping to catch a break.

It is a substute for weed but, it dosen't work as wonderful as weed does.

I've got so much I wanna say but like I said, opening up would be to bad right now... for my body and my emotions. No body wants to deal with someone having a break down and honestly I can't blame them.

I'm being emotional right now, I won't lie but I am trying to fix it with out crying to someone else about it.

I miss him, I do. I held Hinata lastnight just hoping he felt my love.... I'll leave him alone, I don't wanna ruin his day for the 3rd time.

.......

Time for so thinking time I guess.

Until next time.....

Ja.

Dosen't know anymore.

I don't know if I wanna fight anymore.... I think I'm to the point I'll accept whatever I'm givin no matter how much it hurts.

I don't know if I wanna be here anymore....

I want to cry tonight and pry I wake up and everything okay again with everybody. I wanna save the world, but in reality I can't save myself.

Bad night getting worse, I'm starting to think to hard.

Then the hallucination come and then, I black out...

Can't we skip some things tonight, I'm begging over here. >_<

Ya know I think I can live being second to Tetris. No sarcasim intended... if that's what it takes so be it.

I wanna take 4 sleeping pills but, I don't know what could tip me in the 'Soichi's be rushed to the Hospital' line.

I want to be held and told I'm not every bad thing I think I am, or a burden.... even if I know I'm wrong.

I just wanna....

I just wanna....

make you happy.

Dosen't know anymore.

A sea of darkness

So today was a bad day, a really bad day. It started off fine, Von-kun picked me up and we went to take Stasia to work. Eh, no big deal right. Yeah until I got home and Hinote calls telling about his ex who was obviously trying to get into his pants. >_>

I asked Von to go get him, knowing he wanted to just hang with me today. We've been trying to not hang as much sense the whole 'I assumed you cheated on me' thing happened. Don't even get me started on how much I tried to correct, and I didn't do what I was accused of.

Sadly enough I wish I did, then I could honestly say I deserved what I got, but eh. No use sitting her and going back on those feeling even though they haven't all left my chest yet. I'm holding alot back for the simple fact I don't like fight and as odd as they sound, I don't.

I know what you're thinking. Wouldn't it be just smarter to just argue one big time rather than a whole lot of small times?

Yes you would be right but in this case, I just don't want to. I just don't wanna ask questions, I don't want answers, I honestly just don't wanna know. It's so much I can say, scream, and cry about but at the end of the day will it make it go away.

No.

What's done is done.

This is the first blog of done in a while, and I try not to blog now a days just so I don't open up. I don't wanna run across the memories if I don't have too.

Arguing with Hinote, and find out I'm sicker than I thought. I just couldn't bring myself to tell anybody. My lungs, my blood, and well my stomach, its all not doing good. The slightest thing could tip it at this point. The Doctor told me if I don't take caution I could end up somewhere I don't wanna be.

In the hospital, with a tube in my stomach, and on blood pressure meds.

Sounds fun right.

Not at all.

Going to the doctor is never fun for me.

What can you do, before you can even tell something like that your mom starts treating you like a dumbass, like you wouldn't go to the doctor to see why you couldn't breath, or eat, or even sleep without waking up in tears because you hurt so much.

Yeah, I'll never get any slack at this point.

>_>

I need to take a shower and do something with myself, I'll probably smoke and just let myself go completly for a little while. I need silence, I need peace, I just need things okay again. My panic attacks are damn near how they use to be, I wake up in cold sweats, I can't sleep alone anymore cause I'm constantly scared of what I feel around me.

I dunno what to do, but whatever it is I'll do it on my own.

No use bugging someone right?

-sigh-

Wrong.

You have a boyfriend.

Who stays constantly mad at me for something I do, or didn't do. Or what he assumes I did.

I can't win.

If I could become a mindless slave and make EVERYONE happy I would. Nothing is on my side in this relationship, not even my damn self.

Yeah its time to go.

I need a break.

Chi its a beautiful night, you know what to do.

~Dark Melody~

(DF calls her this sometimes, its as sweet as it can get I guess with those two) >_>

This old feeling...

It's been about two months sense God finally decided to take me to heaven, I've been content and happy. Up until resently I realized that even heaven crashes, and it fell on me. I can't begin to tell you how I feel, nor am I about to take the time out to write anything.... I'll say this, every breath I've taken after noon today has hurt more than any gun wound could... Even now its hard to stop the tears but me shedding hasn't stopped the pain and now its no different. I won't talk, I won't cry, I just won't.... If I do I'm afraid my soul and heart will shatter. I'm suppose to keep those close right?

My heart shattered a bit, and my soul just feels cold.

Would you want them?

I didn't think so.

.......

I don't even know how or what to feel anymore.... Plain and simple.

.... It's just not going to end good for me....

I'm thinking way to hard tonight and I know I need to stop, I don't wanna open my mouth and talk about it because I don't really have anyone to talk about it too. Same ol song or story I suppose, I have two bestfriend but, this time around I just really wanna keep it to myself because I doubt anyone will feel how I feel at the end of the day.

I'm bored, slightly buzzed, and thinking.

Not good.

I can feel the negativity surround me and tonight I just don't have it in me to deal with these things, I just wanna sleep and forget I thought about it or just get so fuckin high tomorrow I don't remember anything that's not funny.

Yeah, the way I live.

School, when I'm busy I won't have time to care... Everything is out of place right now but the sad part is, it's been that way for a while and I just got tired of trying to put the pieces back in place... it's time to let things flow as they may.

I dont' wanna compete anymore, in my eyes I've already lost and everyone knows when you lose a game it's time to get up and keep going on about your day.

I guess I have to do the same... I'm slowly starting to not care more and more, and honestly I can't wait til I just don't anymore then things won't be as hard as they are now. I miss not being in love, I do... Everything was so simple back then now I've let love win let's see how it take that?

I mean you can't be a sore winner, can you?

I hope now. U__U;