.... Is this the end?

I'm no longer telling anyone how I feel. I'm done, even when I'm sick. Finished. This is how Inuyasha ended I'm sure, and I'm sure this is how it ends in real life. Kikyo died, ages ago and Inuyasha moved on and is finally happy.

It's time to let him be happy.

This ends my story as well...

Everything I've been wanting... is wrong.

("Daddy, save me...")

It would seem everything that makes this pain go away is bad, bruising myself, crying, the will to eat has been long gone, all of it. I can't do anything right apparently, this explains why Mom n Dad left all those years ago.

They knew I was a fuck up, and I wouldn't be an different to them but another disappointment.

I'm going to die alone, all alone and at this point the pain will kill me before age does.

Somebody save me, because at this point what reason would I have to live... to be somebody, to live a grand life... No thanks, life isn't life if you don't have people to share it with and somehow all the people I wanted close are gone... so very far away.

I welcome being numb and forgetting what breathing feels like.

The days are going by... way to slow.

It's been like 4 days sense break started and I'm so ready for this break to be over... I have never felt more alone then these for days. Without weed I'd of been went over the hill. I miss everything I use to share with him.... Now looking back on it, I was scared and I had every right to be but I wanted him, and I wanted him bad.

I didn't know how much being hurt could make you suppress something you want... It's like being in rehab now. There's a line there and I forbidden to cross it. The drug I need is right over that line but it's out of my hands. You throat burns, your body is shivering imagining the intaking in the forbidden fruit. I swear it was one of the sweetest drugs I know, and every night when I rest my head its like clock work all I can do is dream about it.

Ugh.

It's frustrating really, to go back to no sex, no love, and just plan out no. I don't even Asian watch anymore in fact anything attractive or fuckable makes me plan the fuck out mad. So I stay away from it and if I do have to deal with it I'm high so I'm good. 'From dusk til dawn I just wanna stay gone....' That's my motto. Fried 27/7, Chi is constantly thinking of her daddy and that worries me, alot. So, I'm hoping nothing just pops up on me and I'm to blame maybe I should ask questions... Nah. I don't care.

I swear unless, go send me my wonderful mate/lover I'm done with looking. I don't want a boyfriend, a fuck buddy, non of that shit. Absolutely finished.

Hinote will probably be my last.... Sex doesn't even sound sexy anymore... it just makes me mad.

I'm all outta whack.

Well tonight Bito family reunion... OMG, why do I have a strange familiar feeling about this....

>_> Pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssse let me be wrong.

....

Ruined not Broken

Last night/Morning

It's 8am, and lastnight was the worst night for me. I tossed and turned, I dreamed, I prayed, I cried. I begged god to just make it go away, so kinda of way any kind of way. Like most times he never answers my prayers. I can't tell you how much my chest hurts, and not because I'm sick. I can hear in the back of my mind, a voice saying "Give in to me." and at this point I have no choice. I'm weak, I ach and there is no one that can make it go away. My two bestfriend are dating (once again) shared a wonderful night with one another and well, I'm here wishing I had a gun to shoot myself in the fuckin head.

Time cure all wounds you say?

What happens when old wounds aren't healed and someone keeps making them bigger? Then what? Have a saying for that too?

Loving two people who love each other way more then the could ever love you, no matter how much they say is a waste of time and I wish I could stop suddenly but love is love, and unfortunately I can't.

I should of left my heart behind when I had to chance.

Dear God, I begging you make it stop.... I'll accept being numb I just never want to feel again...

Whoever is listening to me, just make it stop... I'll give anything just not to feel, or think anymore... even my soul.

Let me cradle you in sweet darkness.

Oh so you're back here again old friend?

Don't worry, your spot has been properly attended too. Still feeling alone, cold, on the edge of losing your grip on sanity? Don't worry, we'll make all that go away. Just sleep, rest, and dream... each dream you have will bring you closer to me, numbing the pain you feel and releasing you of all the pain life can bring you.

Friends, you don't need.

Love? Does such a thing exists to being like us? I'll be sure to erase that from you mind as well. Forget it all I'll be you're friend from now on. I know what you think, and feel at all times I'd never do anything to hurt you. Human's are only after what they want, and how quickly they can get it. You're feeling don't matter to them, but to me they do. We have so much in common you and I, so much hatred and anger. Let me help you to release it all, and free your mind of so much torment and stress.

Does it hurt that badly old friend?

Don't worry it won't hurt for long I promise, you're over here constantly thinking on what to do to keep yourself from thinking. Let me take over, why worry about them I promise time is not being takin to worry about you. All the promises you kept you don't need to keep, let me help ease the pain. Running a knife down you're leg will make you forget about how your chest feels. Sweet pain is something that you'll get accustomed too, just gain something from everyone that hurts you and let it mold you, make you heartless.

Don't even want me to help you shop for you're Mrs. Clause outfit? Awww, that was going to be fun, the looks on men faces as they saw you. You should let it fuel you, tease them make them want you and then crush them like flies. What? You can't do something like that? Why not? It's happened to you more than once. Do it, you'll be happier in the log run. Use you're powers for evil my friend, I can show you the way...

I can feel you.... I can feel the anger and hatred you've bottled up....

Release it, let it free... It's so beautiful, let it go. You have no reason to keep it bottled up, only 2 reasons stopped you... and now those reasons are irrelevant.

That's it scream, cry, let it all out.

You've done the right thing, now I can finally get to work.

~:3

Fair is Fair.

So it's Thursday,

Yeah I must be really bored to be writting a blog, so what I am. I'm at home with nothing to do and no where to go. It's been a shitty year, and I need to make some adjustments to my life, but I doubt they'll do anything. Yeah I read you're blog Hikari, and you're right I should be fair and just not put myself threw it period. A draw two or a skip is fine, wouldn't be the first time or the last that that's happened to me.

Now, everyone's happy I'm sure.

I have about 3 weeks to firgue out what I'm going to do. I think I'ma going to go to my dads house until Christmas eve, eve then come home. I'll be alone there and there only a limited supply of people that comes to get me from my dads house. I get paid Monday, buy me some weed and smoke it while watching movies at my dads house, I'm debating on leaving my phone on. Oh well, it's time to go back to being by myself I just sent the text message about me distancing myself from both of them, and no reply which I expected.

I guess it's time to watch a movie until I can't hold my eye lids up anymore... Hmmm but which one...? Oh I know, maybe Tyler Perry and I can get some magical inspiration for life and shit. After that Titanic, I probably won't make it all the way threw Titanic but lets give it a try.

Until the next we meet, lata Blogspot.

Eh...>_>

11-13-2010

Sooner or Later....

By Miyako Takana

Staring into the night sky her face showed no emotion, the sky was a dusk blue color as it quickly turned darker every minute. Sitting on a roof, as the wind blew Tsuki just stared off into the darkness. Her breathing steady and her eyes focused as she leaned against a wall her legs pressed up to her chest. Her blue hair was done and blowing constantly in the wind. Her purple eyes were flashing with different kinds of emotions, she could control it anymore. It seemed like everything was falling to pieces and she couldn't understand what could of happened. Inside herself she felt something dark growing constantly, sleeping at night was pointless she'd just wake up tired and in pain. The things in her dreams grew more frighting everything she closed her eyes. Tsuki breathing hitched as she held tighter to herself, even her best friend Kai couldn't help her at this point. He was off with school and bettering himself, with new people and new things to do.

“W-what do I do?” She whispered questioning. Before Kai had left they promised they'd still love each other more than anything but, as time flew by. Kai's love wavered from hers, he said that they didn't see each other like normal and he was attracted to another girl. Tsuki was understanding for the most part but it still hurt like hell to let him go, and sense then things hasn't been the same with them. Words unsaid, feelings hidden, and of course Tsuki didn't know how to act around him, he had a girlfriend but everything that they were it was nothing less than natural for her to be. So she found herself texing him every now and again knowing she couldn't stop how she felt towards him, she did the best thing she knew how to do, distance herself. Break was coming around quickly, and it just so happened Kai's new girlfriend lived in the same town they did.

Crushed.

That's all she felt as the days rolled around, so alone and crushed. She really didn't have any real friend, like she would of hoped for. People she talked to and hug out with but no one that really understood or knew her. Her mind wondered to what was she going to tell Kai when he asked to see her.

'Don't do it to yourself, it's not worth it.'

Was the words she heard softly in her head and she let out a long, hard sigh. This had to be the worst ending of the year. Luckily enough she found a job for break to keep her somewhat busy but in a week she had to quick school was starting back up and her grades meant everything to her. She wanted to have perfect grades this year so Kai's college would except her and she could be close to him,

things don't always go as planned I guess.

There wasn't much to look forward to now, she could feel the tears brimming in her eyes as the moon rose. Sniffing she stared at it, slightly making a wish that the pain she felt now would be worth it, someway or somehow she could be happy again. Deep down inside she knew the only way that'd happen.

Her chances we're slim to non at this point.

Tsuki found herself laughing as tears poured down her face harder, she should of never told him yes back in February then this pain and confused feeling would of never happened. He made the feeling of love, and never being alone such a wonderful drug but sadly there is no rehab clinic out there for it, only a constant pain of failure and aching left behind in its wake.

“Mmmh?” She whimpered in question as her phone vibrated. Opening it she looked at the text.

'On the phone with Natsumi.'

She felt her heart sink closing it she sighed pulling a cigarette out her pocket she stood lighting it quickly. She knew when break started her soul would be crused but, all she had time for was work and crying it was something she'd get use to. Pay check she planned buy video games to keep her more busy and not shuttering at the thought of his touch, or the feel of his lips. Staring into the moon, she spoke her voice low and tears still in her eyes.

“I guess you're love is all I've got to show for now, ne?” With those words she begin to walk toward the stairs exhaling the smoke a tear falling from her cheek following the smoke she left behind.

End of chapter 1.