......

April 1st, 2011.

I woke up this morning from dreaming I was dead. Hinote and Hikari were the only people I saw looking down at my casket. I remember seeing Hinote eye's darkened and full of nothing, Hikari cried and held my hand.

I felt as though I was in soul form watching them, and my family say goodbye to me for a final time.

I don't wanna die, without somethings.

I know if I die I want Hinote to have a peice of me with him always, even if he never dates or falls in love again. I want him to know, I'm always with him loving him even though my earthly body is gone.

Hikari-chan I want happy, before I fade away into eternal slumber... I want to know she's no longer lonely and is being loved just like she deserves to be and needs to be.

I don't want to die with nothing to leave behind for those I love.

A memory?

It's nothing but pain, remember something that once was only to realize it'll never be that way again. I'm so scared right now watching my every move so I don't do something that's going to end me up in the a body bag.

I know cigs aren't good for me but sometimes it's all I have to excape the pain. Hino-otto wants me to stop and I want to too for my heath but, some how along the way I pick one right back up hoping to catch a break.

It is a substute for weed but, it dosen't work as wonderful as weed does.

I've got so much I wanna say but like I said, opening up would be to bad right now... for my body and my emotions. No body wants to deal with someone having a break down and honestly I can't blame them.

I'm being emotional right now, I won't lie but I am trying to fix it with out crying to someone else about it.

I miss him, I do. I held Hinata lastnight just hoping he felt my love.... I'll leave him alone, I don't wanna ruin his day for the 3rd time.

.......

Time for so thinking time I guess.

Until next time.....

Ja.