I've lost it all..

It's continuing to fade...


To whom so ever reads this, this is my last updated blog and I'm sure after this things are just going to get more depressing, and weird. To all those who read this, I lost my sanity years ago to things that some people wouldn't understand even if I told you. I suggest if you don't like things about death, pain, and all of that don't read it, don't waste you're time feeling sorry for me pity isn't something I tribe off of, or care about because at the end of this you're still going to continue living you lives and moving forward.

Thanks for attempting to give a damn, it is appreciated.



I can't even begin to explain to you how I feel, I feel like I've lost every inch of my soul and I have to watch it shatter and feel the pain it brings. I've felt like this for a while now, everyone life is moving forward and mines seems to be stuck at stand still that's in a constant rapid of hell fire. I write, I smile, I laugh, I do all that I'm known to do but in this being happy isn't one of them. I feel lost alone, and cold in this world even though people are constantly by me, I don't know who I can turn to who'll be there to hold me as I cry and beg for everything to be over. Even as I write this tears pour from my eyes, and I'm helpless to stop them nor do I want them to stop this is the only out reach I have and I can't even begin to understand why thing happen to me this way.

People always tell me things will get better, its not you're fault you can't sleep and are hunted by dreams you wish would stop and never bring you pain again. I can only cry and plea with whoever is listening at the time to save me, but no1 can save me and I can't save myself. I'm powerless, I'm weak, I'm nothing but a human walking amongst the earth to be the worlds play thing. I'd done all I can to be need in this world to always have someone by myside that needs me like I need them but it never works, everyone leave or, somehow I fuck up and it hurts it hurts so bad.

I'm to blame for all my misfortune, in love and my family. I must of been so horrible as a child that my own mother didn't want to love and take care of me, she wanted a boyfriend or a husband. My father though he tries now he could never understand how much it still hurts that I've never been to a daughter father dance, or he wasn't there to hug me after I got A's on my report card. I've never felt good enough at anything no matter how hard I tried even as a girlfriend I didn't feel like I was good enough, that there was something better out there which is why I was always so insecure and let bad thoughts over take my mind.

Now what's worse the one person that I thought would want me, doesn't anymore and I dunno what to say about that. I feel absolutely alone, I know I can't always have someone to be there for me or hold me when I cry or just tell me I'm beautiful, but friends are never friends long, they do or say hurtful shit, and don't care. When I do the same I'm just more of a bad person and I get more of the short end of the stick. I can't plead anymore, I can't beg, I have no rights to do anything. I don't even see a point in being a nurse anymore, I'm just going to fuck up at that. Love, happiness, family, friends, any of it seems outta my reach and I'll never be able to grasp onto it.

I envy so many people, I wish I could just die and come back as something so much better but unfortunately for I, I'm stick as the weak, lying, alone, broke, stupid Alexis Deshawn Byrd. I hate being who I am, if I died today I doubt anyone would miss me more than a week tops before life continued on. Maybe I'd get a tear from some people here and there, but other than that all I get is a "Damn, that's fucked up." and life will continue.

Laying here crying for days, and night until I pass out or I have know more tears left in my eyes is a route now, and I'm just going to continue to follow this until whatever happens. I'm probably going to drop from the face of the earth and just be alone forever, until I die or someone decides they want to use my body for whatever. At this point I don't care, I'm worthless, a whore, a slut, all of the above and I accept it.

I'm not shit, two pieces of shit and a dead fly and I couldn't want my pathetic exsistance to end more.

Game over

This is the dumbest, more stupiest thing ever people go threw. Love? Are you fuckin kidding me? Those for letters comprised into a word makes me wanna blow something the FUCK up. I love you, you mean the world to me, I just wanna be here, I love loving you, you're my everything. All those fuckin lines are BULLSHIT do you hear me? I despise anyone who sits here and tell me they mean what they've said to me, besides Koori, Hikari, and well Roy but I haven't talked to him in ages... I miss em.

Love, happiness, and all the other shit is unreal, stupid and a fuckin fairy tale. & until I'm proven otherwise I'm going to keep saying the shit. I'm done, I'm not using that word on ANYONE else but people I know mean it and that's what maybe 2 to 3 people.

I'm officially done.

06/19/2010

I realize as I hit here that everything I thought was worth it isn't, I couldn't understand what I had ahead of me nor could I understand what people saw in someone like myself. I've come to the understanding that people come in and out my life just to hurt me. Even know as I starting thinking about my past I can feel tears on the brim of my eyes, I could sit here for hours and tell my sad pathetic story of how I loved and lost not just in relationship but in life. From family, to items, to love, to hell my heath. I can even begin to tell you how I feel, it could be because I'm about to start my period or some other reason but all I know is I can't help but feel like this.

I'm hungry but I won't speak nor will I asked for anything. I wanna be held and cry but I don't wanna shed tears. I want to scream and cry and say thing aren't fair but where would that get me. I'd rather just be quite and lay here.

Slowly but surely I'll lose myself and I won't care...

Let me just think of this story idea and pretend I'm really living that wonderful life of someone that cares and will never leave.

I feel so soul-less.

Time to start thinking...

-sigh-

Day two of a new me....

Just waking up my mind still racing from lastnights events, still not myself yesterday seem to change my personality. I don't feel like a girl what so ever I just feel like a living thing, hell I dunno if I even feel human. I sit here and watch everyone and I see nothing that makes me believe I should attempt to change back to who I was. Should I do it for myself? I doubt I would though being this way is nothing but a release from all I was carrying on my shoulder. I don't feel unattractive, or not good enough, I don't feel like I need to be mad at how I got fucked over by this love thing again. I just don't feel to much of anything anymore.

I still see my self as Sookie, cause after Bill she wasn't looking for anything to heal her heart or break it more she just wanted to be alone. Then the Weretiger came along, and well it was nice while it lasted. Finally she got Eric, something I want I want someone just like him if I ever were to date again he'd be perfect in ever aspect. I mean I know'd he be human and not a real vampire but hell even his flaws would be okay with me. I just want one of my dreams to come to, cause I doubt the other two will. Nursing seems like I'm just not going to be good at no matter how much I want to be one... I wanted to be an actress when I was younger but I gave up on my dream somewhere in highschool and I sigh everyday thinking about it.

I never had any help with anything...

I'm walking this horrid world blind and feeling my ways through and this couldn't suck more. I keep falling and I just get back up like a toddler learning to walk, but this time around I'ma just stay down. I've let people pick me back up but the connection never ends well so I'ma just sit here in the dark and waste away not caring anymore,

"Pain without love, Pain I can't get enough, Pain I like it rough cause I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all."

It's true, and I'm already in a sea of it, but I'm sure nobody notices it. Life is life and the more I breath the more I waste away to practically nothing.

Is rethinking life.

Last night I had a dream I left this earth with only two words on my lips. I could see my life fading in my dreams and what I saw in my life was a lot of past pain. I woke up with no where to turn and in so much pain, I cried until I threw up and my stomach hurts so much at this moment. Things haven't been well in my life but I've always found a reason to push forward, some kinda hope or dream. Now a days all I have is nightmares, nothing pleasant about sleep or rest. I look back on family, if my Great-aunt and my grandmother passed today, I'd have no real family and that hurts people who I call my flesh and blood aren't around like that. My friends are really all I have besides those two, I don't have love, or money, hell I don't even have my sanity.

How did my life come to this?

I look back on my child hood, I was to young to understand but now that I do it was pretty fucked up. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and make it all go away, I dream about a vampire/goth guy so much because it makes me feel like I have hope when I can't find hope in myself. Truth be told nobody want me for me, they want me for what I can do or what I have the show but not one person has ever loved JUST me for me. Well a couple of people have but I foolishly let them go trying to be a good person and give people chances or stick to the one I'm with. I never thought you could be punished for doing the right thing, I don't want sex or anything from anyone anymore, I just.... I dunno what I want I'm so use to just giving I don't think about myself...

Is that bad?


......

I honestly don't know anymore, I was on this search from true love but now I don't even want it anymore. Love is just wasteful emotion that people use to get what they want and leave... I guess that's how I thought all along even though that line came from TRUE BLOOD I feel as though that's the truth.

I only have a couple of people to count on in this world... but I dunno how long before they leave too. I better smile and laugh as much as I can before my whole world comes crashing down for the 3rd time in my life and I can promise you 3rd times the charm.

Blaming me won't do anything...

It's so funny how I'm blammed for people misfortune, you're pissed off at me for what reason again little bunny? All for something you said you forgave me for and I hadn't spoken or talked to you both sense that time?

You've gotta be kidding me... I'd laugh but I don't care that much about the situation nor how you feel.

It's over and done with because of you, not me I've moved the hell on and talk to fire-man to see how he is and whatnot. I'lll even say I'm not even on friend terms just for the simple fact we don't talk. Blaming me does nothing for the situation I'm sure, but whatever helps you move on with you life and makes you feel a little bit better.

It'd be different if I told him after ya'll broke up that him and I could be together again, I haven't said anything to this man about the sitations cause I restate I do not, care.

Ya'll will just be back together before youmacon hits anyway so what are you being all 'My life is over for' for anyway?

You and him are always going to be taggled in the same web, but this time I choose not to weeve it.

You we're my bestfriend until you stop thinking logically and letting your mother and all her bullshit stop you, oh and if you forgive someone don't bring it up blaming them all over again.

As for your video game, I didn't know something happened to it but if you want another one I'll go buy the bitch and give it to you it's nothing really its not.


I wish you well in your life, I really do cause the road your going down in stupid and really not worth it.

Yours truely, the bitch that you use any reason to post blame on. ^_^