.... Is this the end?

I'm no longer telling anyone how I feel. I'm done, even when I'm sick. Finished. This is how Inuyasha ended I'm sure, and I'm sure this is how it ends in real life. Kikyo died, ages ago and Inuyasha moved on and is finally happy.

It's time to let him be happy.

This ends my story as well...

Everything I've been wanting... is wrong.

("Daddy, save me...")

It would seem everything that makes this pain go away is bad, bruising myself, crying, the will to eat has been long gone, all of it. I can't do anything right apparently, this explains why Mom n Dad left all those years ago.

They knew I was a fuck up, and I wouldn't be an different to them but another disappointment.

I'm going to die alone, all alone and at this point the pain will kill me before age does.

Somebody save me, because at this point what reason would I have to live... to be somebody, to live a grand life... No thanks, life isn't life if you don't have people to share it with and somehow all the people I wanted close are gone... so very far away.

I welcome being numb and forgetting what breathing feels like.

The days are going by... way to slow.

It's been like 4 days sense break started and I'm so ready for this break to be over... I have never felt more alone then these for days. Without weed I'd of been went over the hill. I miss everything I use to share with him.... Now looking back on it, I was scared and I had every right to be but I wanted him, and I wanted him bad.

I didn't know how much being hurt could make you suppress something you want... It's like being in rehab now. There's a line there and I forbidden to cross it. The drug I need is right over that line but it's out of my hands. You throat burns, your body is shivering imagining the intaking in the forbidden fruit. I swear it was one of the sweetest drugs I know, and every night when I rest my head its like clock work all I can do is dream about it.

Ugh.

It's frustrating really, to go back to no sex, no love, and just plan out no. I don't even Asian watch anymore in fact anything attractive or fuckable makes me plan the fuck out mad. So I stay away from it and if I do have to deal with it I'm high so I'm good. 'From dusk til dawn I just wanna stay gone....' That's my motto. Fried 27/7, Chi is constantly thinking of her daddy and that worries me, alot. So, I'm hoping nothing just pops up on me and I'm to blame maybe I should ask questions... Nah. I don't care.

I swear unless, go send me my wonderful mate/lover I'm done with looking. I don't want a boyfriend, a fuck buddy, non of that shit. Absolutely finished.

Hinote will probably be my last.... Sex doesn't even sound sexy anymore... it just makes me mad.

I'm all outta whack.

Well tonight Bito family reunion... OMG, why do I have a strange familiar feeling about this....

>_> Pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssse let me be wrong.

....

Ruined not Broken

Last night/Morning

It's 8am, and lastnight was the worst night for me. I tossed and turned, I dreamed, I prayed, I cried. I begged god to just make it go away, so kinda of way any kind of way. Like most times he never answers my prayers. I can't tell you how much my chest hurts, and not because I'm sick. I can hear in the back of my mind, a voice saying "Give in to me." and at this point I have no choice. I'm weak, I ach and there is no one that can make it go away. My two bestfriend are dating (once again) shared a wonderful night with one another and well, I'm here wishing I had a gun to shoot myself in the fuckin head.

Time cure all wounds you say?

What happens when old wounds aren't healed and someone keeps making them bigger? Then what? Have a saying for that too?

Loving two people who love each other way more then the could ever love you, no matter how much they say is a waste of time and I wish I could stop suddenly but love is love, and unfortunately I can't.

I should of left my heart behind when I had to chance.

Dear God, I begging you make it stop.... I'll accept being numb I just never want to feel again...

Whoever is listening to me, just make it stop... I'll give anything just not to feel, or think anymore... even my soul.

Let me cradle you in sweet darkness.

Oh so you're back here again old friend?

Don't worry, your spot has been properly attended too. Still feeling alone, cold, on the edge of losing your grip on sanity? Don't worry, we'll make all that go away. Just sleep, rest, and dream... each dream you have will bring you closer to me, numbing the pain you feel and releasing you of all the pain life can bring you.

Friends, you don't need.

Love? Does such a thing exists to being like us? I'll be sure to erase that from you mind as well. Forget it all I'll be you're friend from now on. I know what you think, and feel at all times I'd never do anything to hurt you. Human's are only after what they want, and how quickly they can get it. You're feeling don't matter to them, but to me they do. We have so much in common you and I, so much hatred and anger. Let me help you to release it all, and free your mind of so much torment and stress.

Does it hurt that badly old friend?

Don't worry it won't hurt for long I promise, you're over here constantly thinking on what to do to keep yourself from thinking. Let me take over, why worry about them I promise time is not being takin to worry about you. All the promises you kept you don't need to keep, let me help ease the pain. Running a knife down you're leg will make you forget about how your chest feels. Sweet pain is something that you'll get accustomed too, just gain something from everyone that hurts you and let it mold you, make you heartless.

Don't even want me to help you shop for you're Mrs. Clause outfit? Awww, that was going to be fun, the looks on men faces as they saw you. You should let it fuel you, tease them make them want you and then crush them like flies. What? You can't do something like that? Why not? It's happened to you more than once. Do it, you'll be happier in the log run. Use you're powers for evil my friend, I can show you the way...

I can feel you.... I can feel the anger and hatred you've bottled up....

Release it, let it free... It's so beautiful, let it go. You have no reason to keep it bottled up, only 2 reasons stopped you... and now those reasons are irrelevant.

That's it scream, cry, let it all out.

You've done the right thing, now I can finally get to work.

~:3

Fair is Fair.

So it's Thursday,

Yeah I must be really bored to be writting a blog, so what I am. I'm at home with nothing to do and no where to go. It's been a shitty year, and I need to make some adjustments to my life, but I doubt they'll do anything. Yeah I read you're blog Hikari, and you're right I should be fair and just not put myself threw it period. A draw two or a skip is fine, wouldn't be the first time or the last that that's happened to me.

Now, everyone's happy I'm sure.

I have about 3 weeks to firgue out what I'm going to do. I think I'ma going to go to my dads house until Christmas eve, eve then come home. I'll be alone there and there only a limited supply of people that comes to get me from my dads house. I get paid Monday, buy me some weed and smoke it while watching movies at my dads house, I'm debating on leaving my phone on. Oh well, it's time to go back to being by myself I just sent the text message about me distancing myself from both of them, and no reply which I expected.

I guess it's time to watch a movie until I can't hold my eye lids up anymore... Hmmm but which one...? Oh I know, maybe Tyler Perry and I can get some magical inspiration for life and shit. After that Titanic, I probably won't make it all the way threw Titanic but lets give it a try.

Until the next we meet, lata Blogspot.

Eh...>_>

11-13-2010

Sooner or Later....

By Miyako Takana

Staring into the night sky her face showed no emotion, the sky was a dusk blue color as it quickly turned darker every minute. Sitting on a roof, as the wind blew Tsuki just stared off into the darkness. Her breathing steady and her eyes focused as she leaned against a wall her legs pressed up to her chest. Her blue hair was done and blowing constantly in the wind. Her purple eyes were flashing with different kinds of emotions, she could control it anymore. It seemed like everything was falling to pieces and she couldn't understand what could of happened. Inside herself she felt something dark growing constantly, sleeping at night was pointless she'd just wake up tired and in pain. The things in her dreams grew more frighting everything she closed her eyes. Tsuki breathing hitched as she held tighter to herself, even her best friend Kai couldn't help her at this point. He was off with school and bettering himself, with new people and new things to do.

“W-what do I do?” She whispered questioning. Before Kai had left they promised they'd still love each other more than anything but, as time flew by. Kai's love wavered from hers, he said that they didn't see each other like normal and he was attracted to another girl. Tsuki was understanding for the most part but it still hurt like hell to let him go, and sense then things hasn't been the same with them. Words unsaid, feelings hidden, and of course Tsuki didn't know how to act around him, he had a girlfriend but everything that they were it was nothing less than natural for her to be. So she found herself texing him every now and again knowing she couldn't stop how she felt towards him, she did the best thing she knew how to do, distance herself. Break was coming around quickly, and it just so happened Kai's new girlfriend lived in the same town they did.

Crushed.

That's all she felt as the days rolled around, so alone and crushed. She really didn't have any real friend, like she would of hoped for. People she talked to and hug out with but no one that really understood or knew her. Her mind wondered to what was she going to tell Kai when he asked to see her.

'Don't do it to yourself, it's not worth it.'

Was the words she heard softly in her head and she let out a long, hard sigh. This had to be the worst ending of the year. Luckily enough she found a job for break to keep her somewhat busy but in a week she had to quick school was starting back up and her grades meant everything to her. She wanted to have perfect grades this year so Kai's college would except her and she could be close to him,

things don't always go as planned I guess.

There wasn't much to look forward to now, she could feel the tears brimming in her eyes as the moon rose. Sniffing she stared at it, slightly making a wish that the pain she felt now would be worth it, someway or somehow she could be happy again. Deep down inside she knew the only way that'd happen.

Her chances we're slim to non at this point.

Tsuki found herself laughing as tears poured down her face harder, she should of never told him yes back in February then this pain and confused feeling would of never happened. He made the feeling of love, and never being alone such a wonderful drug but sadly there is no rehab clinic out there for it, only a constant pain of failure and aching left behind in its wake.

“Mmmh?” She whimpered in question as her phone vibrated. Opening it she looked at the text.

'On the phone with Natsumi.'

She felt her heart sink closing it she sighed pulling a cigarette out her pocket she stood lighting it quickly. She knew when break started her soul would be crused but, all she had time for was work and crying it was something she'd get use to. Pay check she planned buy video games to keep her more busy and not shuttering at the thought of his touch, or the feel of his lips. Staring into the moon, she spoke her voice low and tears still in her eyes.

“I guess you're love is all I've got to show for now, ne?” With those words she begin to walk toward the stairs exhaling the smoke a tear falling from her cheek following the smoke she left behind.

End of chapter 1.

Life is like a box of chocolate you never know whatchu gone get.

Today is October 5, 2010.

My eldest sisters birthday, and well my countdown of Youmacon 2010. It's around the corner my vacation. I'm so excited, not much has been going on as of late. Well not much that I can really say I'm putting alot of thought into. My main focus is Y-O-U-M-A-C-O-N and I just found out today that my bestfriend Jett is going! She said it might be one day but she'd go and I get to dress her up, I might dress her up as Sookie, and go as Tera! Lol That'd be funny!


Alright more to come in later blogs.

Jane! ^_^

Hahahahahahahaha...I'm dumb as fuck XD

So I'm stupid period. This whole time up until this morning I was thinking about to talking to Hinote and trying to change are relationship. Oh boy, not ever going to happen, I'm sure he's currently at Grandvalley state with Hikari. I'm just suppose to play stupid like I don't know, you would think someone would of told me. Nope I figured it out all on my own, Hikari's been acting differently I mean after knowing someone for 8 years you know how they act.

It's all the same repeat of last year around this time, and I can't help but laugh at the hole thing. So predictable I'd say but then again I'm the horrible person. Hahahaha he wishes everything was my fault. Oh you made cause you feel like I've been fake or (Harvey Dent) as you would put it. Psst. You ain't no motha fuckin saint. It's just said cause I normally rant and tell my blog home much he get's on my nerves yada yada yada. But I don't even care about him or it anymore, it's all the stupid and some major b.s and I'm involved in the situation. I've been lied to like normal, I've done shit true enough but I'm not the bad guy.

Miscariage or not I still know when love isn't there and not working. He loves me, sike... He thought he loved me true enough and like a dumbass I fell for it but I wish him and whoever he fucks around with next will (like I don't already know what's going to happen I'm just going to play stupid) well. I hope he's happy and stuff, smiles shits a giggles. Cause I'm going to be happy... Sex, love, and all that will come later. I don't even want sex anymore, I don't even think about it like that. Sure enough I'm a fiend but after all the shit it's time for me to go on a 8- to a year no sex line again. Fuck July 31 on down were I lost my spree of absinance over absolutly nothing, (well I thought it was something but I clearly its not now). I think everyone's seen his blog about how I'm a liar but nothing was said people known I've said shit like that but they can re call when I had a smile on my face and say "It's alot better than it use to be, apparently I'm getting a ass and everything." Heeehahahahaha... Laughs and giggles. I just want to say to my child.


Mommy loves you and daddy would of too but, daddy and mommy aren't stable enough to of had you. Mommies body wasn't in the best condition either, I know you were a boy and probably looked just like you're father... My heart is warm every time I think about it. I just want you to know I loved you father with everything it just we're not meant to be together. I'm sure another one like you will be made just not growing inside me. Daddy doesn't just love mommy he loves you're auntie Hikari too. Every month on the day you left me, I'll pick a flower and toss it in the air in memory of you my darling.


Well I know he understands somehow and that makes me even more happy. Well I'm back to playing stupid and such. I've got a job interveiw today at 3, things are looking up I'm just waiting on Gamestop to call me back then I'll really be happy.

Until next time bye bye.

^____^

My weekly report.

Well it September 9th, 2010 and well, I can honestly say this week has been wonderful. I've been sleeping and haven't had any strange dreams accept one. A child came to me a smiled placed on his lips, he hovered over my bed. I wasn't scared of him he just threw me off a little bit ya know? He told me everything happens for a reason and not to feel so upset over not being a suitable host. I knew what he ment, I smiled back at him and he returned it warmly. Kissing my cheek he disappeared and I knew who he was. I woke up tears coming down my face, I felt so much better knowing it wasn't my fault. I've been relieved ever sense and happy, I think about Hinote but I know its not a point in trying to make up or whatever the shit is just going to happen in another 2 weeks.

"No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know... it ain't workin."

I have a job interveiw for a cookie shop in the mall tomorrow at 3... I'm so excited! Cookies man, wonderful cookies! Dream job I know right, that and gamestop lol In which I applied for. Pyro, Brandon, Stasia, and myself went out their yesterday. It was a good day until, we got to Rods later that night. Will was upset about something for a while but then he was his regular self... I dunno what's been up lately but I'm just trying to be a good friend and look after everyone. I miss Koori and Midori I haven't seen them all week but something tells me I'll see them today.

^_^

Well that's all for now.

Ja ne!

A breif summery of the weekend.

Soooooo, lets see here blog spot.... It's been a long weekend and well I'm doing well. Looking for a jo and trying to get some money together for Youmacon. Somewhere throughtout this weekend Hinoto somehow Hinote and me stop talking once again, its the same process I guess we're not meant to be friends or anything I've accepted that. -shurgs- It's life and all, I just gotta keep pressing on and focus on money and school. I don't have beef with anyone anymore so that makes my life simple and easy.

Alright time to RP with Hikari-chan and write. This is the start of a good monday.

Ugh///

Day... I've lost count. It's been one hell of a weekend and well I won't say it wasn't a nice one its just... I'm still hurt. I know it takes time and I know I'll get over it but its still like damn it came to this. No1 but 2 people have in my moving on and that's fine, I'll do it somehow... As long as I don't think about you I'll be fine... but is that possible? It's hard as hell, but not impossible... -sigh- This is my daily journal, I've been absent for a while but next time I'll have more to talk about.

P.S: Being in heat sucks...U_U...3 weeks 9 hours 55 minutes and 33 seconds to go... Can I make it? Well find out, I either do or die.

TTYL

It's so hard, to say goodbye to yesterday...

It's over its done with, I have to move on. I keep repeating it in my head, everything came to a stop soon and everything I thought would last didn't. Don't get me wrong this isn't the first time this has happened (sadly enought)... It hurts like hell right now but, I can only hope things get better... Koori's coming over today...-sigh- At least I won't be alone all day... Thanks to Midori, and Koori I guess I can have a little hope.

How I wish...

It would seem this weekend was the worst one so far, I dunno how it happened but it just did. From arguments, to fights, to just giving up on people. I feel as though everything is falling apart, I hate being upset but lately that's all I have to deal with, is being upset for obvious and non obvious reason. Today put the icying on the cake, I fought with 'you' once again. For reason I dunno, the conversation started off normal and ended with us at each others throats in the worst way, I don't understand it. It went from something that made me smile to sadness because that thing wasn't suppose to make me smile to you basically telling me, I'm A.D.D (which I already know) to me being something else WAY more insulting. I've tried constantly with this whole thing, trying to find ways out of no way, but as of late it seems that It's my fault we didn't last.

I know I've done my dirt but people come on... It's SO not my fault, its no point in arguing though cause in the end nothing is as it seems with you I guess. I can understand you so much but you're so back & forth with all that you think about and go through I'm constantly confused. I don't know how to be around you, I can't treat you like a friend or in you're words how I treat everyone else... If you haven't noticed I didn't date everyone else and its harder to just be friends with someone after all this just happened. I mean c'mon I still feel the same way bout it all. I just don't want any physical attraction or emoticon attraction to you so I keep my distant. I hate feeling all warm and fuzzy when you say I'm pretty in a wedding dress, or as I'm dressing how I look. I hate the way you make me thing about our story and add little cute sense to it smiling as I think about it. I hate the way you make want to cling to you even though I know its wrong, I just wanna be as close and as near as possible.

I hate what you do to me, because in the end its nothing but a tease. I'm trying to move on but no1 of worth wants me and its irritating to be alone. This is all stupid and I don't want anymore to do with it, I hate arguing with you and I hate feeling this way, I wish I never fell for you ever... but I did and I have to deal with my mistake. I doubt you know how I feel even now, and I hope you realize all that shit you said hurt, but I don't care, I'm not suppose to care... but I do. The days our adding up hopefully, things move quickly so I can finally not feel this way, but knowing my luck I'm stuck this way until I explode...


Even as I write this, I'm still wishing I was curled up in a ball happy... with someone who loves me... -sigh- One can dream ya know, and I don't even have those to myself. -___-

~Princess Soichi Ekyco Haru Washu~

I've lost it all..

It's continuing to fade...


To whom so ever reads this, this is my last updated blog and I'm sure after this things are just going to get more depressing, and weird. To all those who read this, I lost my sanity years ago to things that some people wouldn't understand even if I told you. I suggest if you don't like things about death, pain, and all of that don't read it, don't waste you're time feeling sorry for me pity isn't something I tribe off of, or care about because at the end of this you're still going to continue living you lives and moving forward.

Thanks for attempting to give a damn, it is appreciated.



I can't even begin to explain to you how I feel, I feel like I've lost every inch of my soul and I have to watch it shatter and feel the pain it brings. I've felt like this for a while now, everyone life is moving forward and mines seems to be stuck at stand still that's in a constant rapid of hell fire. I write, I smile, I laugh, I do all that I'm known to do but in this being happy isn't one of them. I feel lost alone, and cold in this world even though people are constantly by me, I don't know who I can turn to who'll be there to hold me as I cry and beg for everything to be over. Even as I write this tears pour from my eyes, and I'm helpless to stop them nor do I want them to stop this is the only out reach I have and I can't even begin to understand why thing happen to me this way.

People always tell me things will get better, its not you're fault you can't sleep and are hunted by dreams you wish would stop and never bring you pain again. I can only cry and plea with whoever is listening at the time to save me, but no1 can save me and I can't save myself. I'm powerless, I'm weak, I'm nothing but a human walking amongst the earth to be the worlds play thing. I'd done all I can to be need in this world to always have someone by myside that needs me like I need them but it never works, everyone leave or, somehow I fuck up and it hurts it hurts so bad.

I'm to blame for all my misfortune, in love and my family. I must of been so horrible as a child that my own mother didn't want to love and take care of me, she wanted a boyfriend or a husband. My father though he tries now he could never understand how much it still hurts that I've never been to a daughter father dance, or he wasn't there to hug me after I got A's on my report card. I've never felt good enough at anything no matter how hard I tried even as a girlfriend I didn't feel like I was good enough, that there was something better out there which is why I was always so insecure and let bad thoughts over take my mind.

Now what's worse the one person that I thought would want me, doesn't anymore and I dunno what to say about that. I feel absolutely alone, I know I can't always have someone to be there for me or hold me when I cry or just tell me I'm beautiful, but friends are never friends long, they do or say hurtful shit, and don't care. When I do the same I'm just more of a bad person and I get more of the short end of the stick. I can't plead anymore, I can't beg, I have no rights to do anything. I don't even see a point in being a nurse anymore, I'm just going to fuck up at that. Love, happiness, family, friends, any of it seems outta my reach and I'll never be able to grasp onto it.

I envy so many people, I wish I could just die and come back as something so much better but unfortunately for I, I'm stick as the weak, lying, alone, broke, stupid Alexis Deshawn Byrd. I hate being who I am, if I died today I doubt anyone would miss me more than a week tops before life continued on. Maybe I'd get a tear from some people here and there, but other than that all I get is a "Damn, that's fucked up." and life will continue.

Laying here crying for days, and night until I pass out or I have know more tears left in my eyes is a route now, and I'm just going to continue to follow this until whatever happens. I'm probably going to drop from the face of the earth and just be alone forever, until I die or someone decides they want to use my body for whatever. At this point I don't care, I'm worthless, a whore, a slut, all of the above and I accept it.

I'm not shit, two pieces of shit and a dead fly and I couldn't want my pathetic exsistance to end more.

Game over

This is the dumbest, more stupiest thing ever people go threw. Love? Are you fuckin kidding me? Those for letters comprised into a word makes me wanna blow something the FUCK up. I love you, you mean the world to me, I just wanna be here, I love loving you, you're my everything. All those fuckin lines are BULLSHIT do you hear me? I despise anyone who sits here and tell me they mean what they've said to me, besides Koori, Hikari, and well Roy but I haven't talked to him in ages... I miss em.

Love, happiness, and all the other shit is unreal, stupid and a fuckin fairy tale. & until I'm proven otherwise I'm going to keep saying the shit. I'm done, I'm not using that word on ANYONE else but people I know mean it and that's what maybe 2 to 3 people.

I'm officially done.

06/19/2010

I realize as I hit here that everything I thought was worth it isn't, I couldn't understand what I had ahead of me nor could I understand what people saw in someone like myself. I've come to the understanding that people come in and out my life just to hurt me. Even know as I starting thinking about my past I can feel tears on the brim of my eyes, I could sit here for hours and tell my sad pathetic story of how I loved and lost not just in relationship but in life. From family, to items, to love, to hell my heath. I can even begin to tell you how I feel, it could be because I'm about to start my period or some other reason but all I know is I can't help but feel like this.

I'm hungry but I won't speak nor will I asked for anything. I wanna be held and cry but I don't wanna shed tears. I want to scream and cry and say thing aren't fair but where would that get me. I'd rather just be quite and lay here.

Slowly but surely I'll lose myself and I won't care...

Let me just think of this story idea and pretend I'm really living that wonderful life of someone that cares and will never leave.

I feel so soul-less.

Time to start thinking...

-sigh-

Day two of a new me....

Just waking up my mind still racing from lastnights events, still not myself yesterday seem to change my personality. I don't feel like a girl what so ever I just feel like a living thing, hell I dunno if I even feel human. I sit here and watch everyone and I see nothing that makes me believe I should attempt to change back to who I was. Should I do it for myself? I doubt I would though being this way is nothing but a release from all I was carrying on my shoulder. I don't feel unattractive, or not good enough, I don't feel like I need to be mad at how I got fucked over by this love thing again. I just don't feel to much of anything anymore.

I still see my self as Sookie, cause after Bill she wasn't looking for anything to heal her heart or break it more she just wanted to be alone. Then the Weretiger came along, and well it was nice while it lasted. Finally she got Eric, something I want I want someone just like him if I ever were to date again he'd be perfect in ever aspect. I mean I know'd he be human and not a real vampire but hell even his flaws would be okay with me. I just want one of my dreams to come to, cause I doubt the other two will. Nursing seems like I'm just not going to be good at no matter how much I want to be one... I wanted to be an actress when I was younger but I gave up on my dream somewhere in highschool and I sigh everyday thinking about it.

I never had any help with anything...

I'm walking this horrid world blind and feeling my ways through and this couldn't suck more. I keep falling and I just get back up like a toddler learning to walk, but this time around I'ma just stay down. I've let people pick me back up but the connection never ends well so I'ma just sit here in the dark and waste away not caring anymore,

"Pain without love, Pain I can't get enough, Pain I like it rough cause I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all."

It's true, and I'm already in a sea of it, but I'm sure nobody notices it. Life is life and the more I breath the more I waste away to practically nothing.

Is rethinking life.

Last night I had a dream I left this earth with only two words on my lips. I could see my life fading in my dreams and what I saw in my life was a lot of past pain. I woke up with no where to turn and in so much pain, I cried until I threw up and my stomach hurts so much at this moment. Things haven't been well in my life but I've always found a reason to push forward, some kinda hope or dream. Now a days all I have is nightmares, nothing pleasant about sleep or rest. I look back on family, if my Great-aunt and my grandmother passed today, I'd have no real family and that hurts people who I call my flesh and blood aren't around like that. My friends are really all I have besides those two, I don't have love, or money, hell I don't even have my sanity.

How did my life come to this?

I look back on my child hood, I was to young to understand but now that I do it was pretty fucked up. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and make it all go away, I dream about a vampire/goth guy so much because it makes me feel like I have hope when I can't find hope in myself. Truth be told nobody want me for me, they want me for what I can do or what I have the show but not one person has ever loved JUST me for me. Well a couple of people have but I foolishly let them go trying to be a good person and give people chances or stick to the one I'm with. I never thought you could be punished for doing the right thing, I don't want sex or anything from anyone anymore, I just.... I dunno what I want I'm so use to just giving I don't think about myself...

Is that bad?


......

I honestly don't know anymore, I was on this search from true love but now I don't even want it anymore. Love is just wasteful emotion that people use to get what they want and leave... I guess that's how I thought all along even though that line came from TRUE BLOOD I feel as though that's the truth.

I only have a couple of people to count on in this world... but I dunno how long before they leave too. I better smile and laugh as much as I can before my whole world comes crashing down for the 3rd time in my life and I can promise you 3rd times the charm.

Blaming me won't do anything...

It's so funny how I'm blammed for people misfortune, you're pissed off at me for what reason again little bunny? All for something you said you forgave me for and I hadn't spoken or talked to you both sense that time?

You've gotta be kidding me... I'd laugh but I don't care that much about the situation nor how you feel.

It's over and done with because of you, not me I've moved the hell on and talk to fire-man to see how he is and whatnot. I'lll even say I'm not even on friend terms just for the simple fact we don't talk. Blaming me does nothing for the situation I'm sure, but whatever helps you move on with you life and makes you feel a little bit better.

It'd be different if I told him after ya'll broke up that him and I could be together again, I haven't said anything to this man about the sitations cause I restate I do not, care.

Ya'll will just be back together before youmacon hits anyway so what are you being all 'My life is over for' for anyway?

You and him are always going to be taggled in the same web, but this time I choose not to weeve it.

You we're my bestfriend until you stop thinking logically and letting your mother and all her bullshit stop you, oh and if you forgive someone don't bring it up blaming them all over again.

As for your video game, I didn't know something happened to it but if you want another one I'll go buy the bitch and give it to you it's nothing really its not.


I wish you well in your life, I really do cause the road your going down in stupid and really not worth it.

Yours truely, the bitch that you use any reason to post blame on. ^_^

Such a sad soul...

How fortunate for someone like myself to deal with this cold life, slightly wishing that I could just get by. This cold world isn't getting any warmer and it seems like I've missplaced my blanket, or it misplaced itself, as I notice people lives changing before my eyes mines seems to have been set back in time. I couldn't believe how hard things have gotten sense I've 19, I thought things would change but it hasn't 2 months deeper into hell and I find myself adapting to this inferno. I think sense birth its been ment for me to be unhappy, I just want someone to always be here for me.

I don't feel like I belong I feel like I'm an outcast, like the friends I thought were friends aren't. Today I was hanging out on Ward and we were listening to music, I heard a track about my previous relationship that everyone laughed behind my back about it hurt to know not only did I put effort into a relationship that I didn't get to keep but my own friends people who I called brother laughed and made songs behind my back. I'm not the best person in the world but something like that makes you question who you can really trust and hold on to, I couldn't really tell them how I felt cause honestly I doubt they'd care... Disappearing isn't something I can do right now, I'm jobless and it seems I'll never have one. Being positive is hard to even do cause after so much disappointment you're like screw it.

So misguided, so outta place every time I breath I don't feel like myself and it sucks... I want a new life a new world the old one is so depressing... I feel somes time I'm the only unhappy one even if my ex lover says he still loves me and misses me all I can ask is 'why' even when I'm not there you still have her isn't that why you fell for her again in the first place, isn't this why we're not together now.

I'm moving on, even if it kills me.

Being shoved from side to side I'm so tired to even inhale the bullshit anymore, friends, family, and even people who clame to love you more than life never keep promises. I'm my own share of stupid that walks the earth and I know that, but this time around I refuse to play the fool. I don't like hurting people but if I have to not to be hurt again I'll do it, which is why I'm not putting myself in the position to hurt anymore.

Even as these tears fall, I wonder will my eyes and soul ever rest or am I destined to be damned forever?

Only time will tell and honestly I think my clock is broken.

FML

Have you ever just have one of those lives where when you wake up and you wonder why you're awake or even alive. Ever sense this year started that's how I've felt, the world is a sick place and god seems like he's a sadist and every move you make he knows your going to fail and lets you do it constantly. Every choice that's made is even more worst than the last, I feel like I'm not ment to be happy at all. I can't remember a time I was truely happy, even in relationships I knew not to be happy because it wouldn't last long. Nothing in this world last, absoultly nothing.

As the days go by more and more things happen that breaks my sanity and causes me to question if I'm even human anymore. Today, I got kicked out the hosue with no, job, no money and no means to care for myself. For what, just because my aunt/guardian didn't want me to leave the house for no reason and all and I wasn't about to just accept something as stupid as that. So if I can't live by her rules, get th fuck out. Dad's takin me in but like I said I've been looking for a job for the longest and I haven't found one what so ever. I hope this Sam's club job still comes through but it's not looking like it. I've even prayed to god asking him to help out just a little, it seems like my calls are still being ignored. Religion is useless, you have to do right and be faithful for what, so you can only get what you deserve only half the time, and you sit around and people who don't deserve to breath are happy, fuck that.

I've asked for love, and a job haven't got either only worse so you know what I'm done. I'm done to done with life. I give up, life wins. As I've said before, all I can do is breath.

All I can do is breath.

A harsh reality my minds set in, I can't hear any positive words in my head even if I think so hard my brain hurt. Thought everything I feel so alone, friends can only be there for you so much and in the end they have their own lives to lead. I constantly pray my life turns for the better but in the upper room I feel like my calls have been on ignore sense I was 16 years old, I've had hope holding onto it like a child in a sercurity blanket but its all over now. I've lost everything, and nothing all at once.


I had nothing so how can I lose something?


I feel like running away and never looking back, even death is ok to me right about now. I can finally have peace and never have to deal with the troubles of the world. Most would call that cowardly but how can you judge someone if you've never lived a second in their shoes? Crying is a waste of energy, smiling is a false face so people aren't always asking what's wrong. I could answer but not without the consept of being called emo, so why bother. I don't need a lable I need a new life, one where things are ok for me and I don't go to sleep at night crying.

I don't want much, and honestly I'm tired of asking for something I'lll never have, so I lay my cards down and I walked away from this poker game I call life, the only thing I can do is breath and even that's hard right now. I've been sober, I don't want weed or drinks all of that is another illusion of happiness, I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of speaking period, all I want is peace and in my new form and additude I doubt I'll get it but its pretty damn close.

All I can do now, is breath...

My soul mate.

I can see you when I close my eyes, I can feel you holding me wrapping your tall frame around my body. You deep beautiful eyes stare into mine, and my heart skips a beat. Even in darkness your aura is to beauiful to miss, and you're kisses, oh your kisses make every nerve on my body go crazy. You're heart beat mathces mine, and even though I can't see you face I'll know you no matter where I am. I've been in love before, but not like I am with you. You are the true connection of love that my heart knew it was missing. Searching for you is pointless because when the time comes, we'll find each other.

Waiting in hard sometimes but it won't matter once I have you in my arms. You are my king, the man I've been searching for, in the coldest of night just the thought of you will make me warm. To only kid myself at thinking I could be happy with anyone besides you was nothing but a childish dream, rushing to have someone say they loved was nothing but a mistake that lead me to distruction so many time.

I'll wait for you my love, I know you're finding your way to me as we speak. I'll meet you soon, and our lives will be complete as they should be. You're going through the same pain as me I can feel it, and your searching harshly at the breaking point of giving up but you can't, because I can't. We have to push ourselves, it'll be worth it.

I know you can't read this but, later on in life I'll be reminded at how much I thought of you even when I didn't know who you were.

I love you, my soul mate. <3