Such a sad soul...

How fortunate for someone like myself to deal with this cold life, slightly wishing that I could just get by. This cold world isn't getting any warmer and it seems like I've missplaced my blanket, or it misplaced itself, as I notice people lives changing before my eyes mines seems to have been set back in time. I couldn't believe how hard things have gotten sense I've 19, I thought things would change but it hasn't 2 months deeper into hell and I find myself adapting to this inferno. I think sense birth its been ment for me to be unhappy, I just want someone to always be here for me.

I don't feel like I belong I feel like I'm an outcast, like the friends I thought were friends aren't. Today I was hanging out on Ward and we were listening to music, I heard a track about my previous relationship that everyone laughed behind my back about it hurt to know not only did I put effort into a relationship that I didn't get to keep but my own friends people who I called brother laughed and made songs behind my back. I'm not the best person in the world but something like that makes you question who you can really trust and hold on to, I couldn't really tell them how I felt cause honestly I doubt they'd care... Disappearing isn't something I can do right now, I'm jobless and it seems I'll never have one. Being positive is hard to even do cause after so much disappointment you're like screw it.

So misguided, so outta place every time I breath I don't feel like myself and it sucks... I want a new life a new world the old one is so depressing... I feel somes time I'm the only unhappy one even if my ex lover says he still loves me and misses me all I can ask is 'why' even when I'm not there you still have her isn't that why you fell for her again in the first place, isn't this why we're not together now.

I'm moving on, even if it kills me.

Being shoved from side to side I'm so tired to even inhale the bullshit anymore, friends, family, and even people who clame to love you more than life never keep promises. I'm my own share of stupid that walks the earth and I know that, but this time around I refuse to play the fool. I don't like hurting people but if I have to not to be hurt again I'll do it, which is why I'm not putting myself in the position to hurt anymore.

Even as these tears fall, I wonder will my eyes and soul ever rest or am I destined to be damned forever?

Only time will tell and honestly I think my clock is broken.

FML

Have you ever just have one of those lives where when you wake up and you wonder why you're awake or even alive. Ever sense this year started that's how I've felt, the world is a sick place and god seems like he's a sadist and every move you make he knows your going to fail and lets you do it constantly. Every choice that's made is even more worst than the last, I feel like I'm not ment to be happy at all. I can't remember a time I was truely happy, even in relationships I knew not to be happy because it wouldn't last long. Nothing in this world last, absoultly nothing.

As the days go by more and more things happen that breaks my sanity and causes me to question if I'm even human anymore. Today, I got kicked out the hosue with no, job, no money and no means to care for myself. For what, just because my aunt/guardian didn't want me to leave the house for no reason and all and I wasn't about to just accept something as stupid as that. So if I can't live by her rules, get th fuck out. Dad's takin me in but like I said I've been looking for a job for the longest and I haven't found one what so ever. I hope this Sam's club job still comes through but it's not looking like it. I've even prayed to god asking him to help out just a little, it seems like my calls are still being ignored. Religion is useless, you have to do right and be faithful for what, so you can only get what you deserve only half the time, and you sit around and people who don't deserve to breath are happy, fuck that.

I've asked for love, and a job haven't got either only worse so you know what I'm done. I'm done to done with life. I give up, life wins. As I've said before, all I can do is breath.

All I can do is breath.

A harsh reality my minds set in, I can't hear any positive words in my head even if I think so hard my brain hurt. Thought everything I feel so alone, friends can only be there for you so much and in the end they have their own lives to lead. I constantly pray my life turns for the better but in the upper room I feel like my calls have been on ignore sense I was 16 years old, I've had hope holding onto it like a child in a sercurity blanket but its all over now. I've lost everything, and nothing all at once.


I had nothing so how can I lose something?


I feel like running away and never looking back, even death is ok to me right about now. I can finally have peace and never have to deal with the troubles of the world. Most would call that cowardly but how can you judge someone if you've never lived a second in their shoes? Crying is a waste of energy, smiling is a false face so people aren't always asking what's wrong. I could answer but not without the consept of being called emo, so why bother. I don't need a lable I need a new life, one where things are ok for me and I don't go to sleep at night crying.

I don't want much, and honestly I'm tired of asking for something I'lll never have, so I lay my cards down and I walked away from this poker game I call life, the only thing I can do is breath and even that's hard right now. I've been sober, I don't want weed or drinks all of that is another illusion of happiness, I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of speaking period, all I want is peace and in my new form and additude I doubt I'll get it but its pretty damn close.

All I can do now, is breath...

My soul mate.

I can see you when I close my eyes, I can feel you holding me wrapping your tall frame around my body. You deep beautiful eyes stare into mine, and my heart skips a beat. Even in darkness your aura is to beauiful to miss, and you're kisses, oh your kisses make every nerve on my body go crazy. You're heart beat mathces mine, and even though I can't see you face I'll know you no matter where I am. I've been in love before, but not like I am with you. You are the true connection of love that my heart knew it was missing. Searching for you is pointless because when the time comes, we'll find each other.

Waiting in hard sometimes but it won't matter once I have you in my arms. You are my king, the man I've been searching for, in the coldest of night just the thought of you will make me warm. To only kid myself at thinking I could be happy with anyone besides you was nothing but a childish dream, rushing to have someone say they loved was nothing but a mistake that lead me to distruction so many time.

I'll wait for you my love, I know you're finding your way to me as we speak. I'll meet you soon, and our lives will be complete as they should be. You're going through the same pain as me I can feel it, and your searching harshly at the breaking point of giving up but you can't, because I can't. We have to push ourselves, it'll be worth it.

I know you can't read this but, later on in life I'll be reminded at how much I thought of you even when I didn't know who you were.

I love you, my soul mate. <3