I've lost it all..

It's continuing to fade...


To whom so ever reads this, this is my last updated blog and I'm sure after this things are just going to get more depressing, and weird. To all those who read this, I lost my sanity years ago to things that some people wouldn't understand even if I told you. I suggest if you don't like things about death, pain, and all of that don't read it, don't waste you're time feeling sorry for me pity isn't something I tribe off of, or care about because at the end of this you're still going to continue living you lives and moving forward.

Thanks for attempting to give a damn, it is appreciated.



I can't even begin to explain to you how I feel, I feel like I've lost every inch of my soul and I have to watch it shatter and feel the pain it brings. I've felt like this for a while now, everyone life is moving forward and mines seems to be stuck at stand still that's in a constant rapid of hell fire. I write, I smile, I laugh, I do all that I'm known to do but in this being happy isn't one of them. I feel lost alone, and cold in this world even though people are constantly by me, I don't know who I can turn to who'll be there to hold me as I cry and beg for everything to be over. Even as I write this tears pour from my eyes, and I'm helpless to stop them nor do I want them to stop this is the only out reach I have and I can't even begin to understand why thing happen to me this way.

People always tell me things will get better, its not you're fault you can't sleep and are hunted by dreams you wish would stop and never bring you pain again. I can only cry and plea with whoever is listening at the time to save me, but no1 can save me and I can't save myself. I'm powerless, I'm weak, I'm nothing but a human walking amongst the earth to be the worlds play thing. I'd done all I can to be need in this world to always have someone by myside that needs me like I need them but it never works, everyone leave or, somehow I fuck up and it hurts it hurts so bad.

I'm to blame for all my misfortune, in love and my family. I must of been so horrible as a child that my own mother didn't want to love and take care of me, she wanted a boyfriend or a husband. My father though he tries now he could never understand how much it still hurts that I've never been to a daughter father dance, or he wasn't there to hug me after I got A's on my report card. I've never felt good enough at anything no matter how hard I tried even as a girlfriend I didn't feel like I was good enough, that there was something better out there which is why I was always so insecure and let bad thoughts over take my mind.

Now what's worse the one person that I thought would want me, doesn't anymore and I dunno what to say about that. I feel absolutely alone, I know I can't always have someone to be there for me or hold me when I cry or just tell me I'm beautiful, but friends are never friends long, they do or say hurtful shit, and don't care. When I do the same I'm just more of a bad person and I get more of the short end of the stick. I can't plead anymore, I can't beg, I have no rights to do anything. I don't even see a point in being a nurse anymore, I'm just going to fuck up at that. Love, happiness, family, friends, any of it seems outta my reach and I'll never be able to grasp onto it.

I envy so many people, I wish I could just die and come back as something so much better but unfortunately for I, I'm stick as the weak, lying, alone, broke, stupid Alexis Deshawn Byrd. I hate being who I am, if I died today I doubt anyone would miss me more than a week tops before life continued on. Maybe I'd get a tear from some people here and there, but other than that all I get is a "Damn, that's fucked up." and life will continue.

Laying here crying for days, and night until I pass out or I have know more tears left in my eyes is a route now, and I'm just going to continue to follow this until whatever happens. I'm probably going to drop from the face of the earth and just be alone forever, until I die or someone decides they want to use my body for whatever. At this point I don't care, I'm worthless, a whore, a slut, all of the above and I accept it.

I'm not shit, two pieces of shit and a dead fly and I couldn't want my pathetic exsistance to end more.