Is rethinking life.

Last night I had a dream I left this earth with only two words on my lips. I could see my life fading in my dreams and what I saw in my life was a lot of past pain. I woke up with no where to turn and in so much pain, I cried until I threw up and my stomach hurts so much at this moment. Things haven't been well in my life but I've always found a reason to push forward, some kinda hope or dream. Now a days all I have is nightmares, nothing pleasant about sleep or rest. I look back on family, if my Great-aunt and my grandmother passed today, I'd have no real family and that hurts people who I call my flesh and blood aren't around like that. My friends are really all I have besides those two, I don't have love, or money, hell I don't even have my sanity.

How did my life come to this?

I look back on my child hood, I was to young to understand but now that I do it was pretty fucked up. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and make it all go away, I dream about a vampire/goth guy so much because it makes me feel like I have hope when I can't find hope in myself. Truth be told nobody want me for me, they want me for what I can do or what I have the show but not one person has ever loved JUST me for me. Well a couple of people have but I foolishly let them go trying to be a good person and give people chances or stick to the one I'm with. I never thought you could be punished for doing the right thing, I don't want sex or anything from anyone anymore, I just.... I dunno what I want I'm so use to just giving I don't think about myself...

Is that bad?


......

I honestly don't know anymore, I was on this search from true love but now I don't even want it anymore. Love is just wasteful emotion that people use to get what they want and leave... I guess that's how I thought all along even though that line came from TRUE BLOOD I feel as though that's the truth.

I only have a couple of people to count on in this world... but I dunno how long before they leave too. I better smile and laugh as much as I can before my whole world comes crashing down for the 3rd time in my life and I can promise you 3rd times the charm.